Not Okay

So I haven't updated in a while. I am going through an emotional tidal wave lately. I miss my dad and I don't know how to deal with this.

The other day I couldn't stop crying, I don't know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop and Nate kept saying, "What happened mom? What happened?" Then he would say, "Why are you crying? You miss your daddy?" Then he would hug me and I would start sobbing. I don't usually show my negative emotions that bad in front of him. I'm the mommy, but he made me feel so good that day just cuddling me on the couch.

I have been crocheting a lot, as you all know. Though I am starting to try to sell the things that I have been making. I am going to sell hair bows, and headbands with flowers and bows on them. I just need to get the plastic head bands and the metal barrettes.

I made Nate a dollhouse out of cardboard. I need to reinforce it, and buy more hot glue. Though after these boys go home I need to go to the store and buy some more yarn.

I picked up another babysitting job, maybe I can just do that for a while. Also, I found out my rent is paid until March. That was like a surprise blessing. I am very happy about that. Another friend is trying to get a babysitting job that pays $1400 a month and I want to get one like that! I want to move into a different place though.

I am going crazy lately. The house is a mess and just keeps getting worse. It's like everytime I clean within an hour it is back where it was before if not worse. It's hard to keep up.

This is turning into too much complaining. SO I am going to go back to what I was doing before.

Whispering Owl is Born....

Not much has happened since I last updated, or there probably would have been an update. So, I bought the new blog name from my friend we have a photography company and that was our name. I am going to use Whispering Owl as my merchandise name when I start selling on Etsy.

Working on my crocheting, and spending time with Dan and Nate. Working at finding a job. That's about all. When there is more I might update. I will definitely update with photos whenever I buckle down and finish projects instead of start projects.

New Blog Name

I am playing with ideas in my head for a new blog name...I need to change it because Lacie-Licious sounds... well not very good anymore. I guess maybe it's because I'm not partying all the time. Ha! So if you have any suggestions just comment me!

Evil Dead and Hello Kitty.....?

Watching The Evil Dead and crocheting a Hello Kitty purse for my sister....somehow I feel like this is full of win! I had to blog about it. So, the purse I am making for my sister is based off of this scarf pattern. I hope to become skilled enough to make these Hellborus fingerless gloves. They are beautiful!

I am trying to make a bunch of things for people so that I have like photo evidence of my skill so that I can sell stuff. I am eventually going to actually post something on my Etsy so that I can make money. The only problem is that I need a bank account to update my Paypal.

I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people lately, and I don't mean to. It is just that lately I have been busy, and ignoring my phone. I may also be losing touch with the real world because I want to spend as much time with my son as I can before I get another job. I just... don't want to talk to anyone. I am sure this is another stage of grief that I need to overcome, but I don't want to. I feel like maybe if I let go of the grief of my father that I somehow tarnish his memory. I know that isn't true at all, but I just want to be sad for a while. I miss him like crazy! I think about him all the time. Like seriously...all the time.

I am in serious need of a nap, so I think I am going to pause my movie, and my project to go take one.

Countdowns

So I know this is lame, but I am counting down because I have such little time to make all the presents I need to make. Though, I know I can do it. I am always the one who never gives presents. Yeah, I'm that person. Though this year I totally am giving everyone something. Also, we're having Thanksgiving here this year. It's pretty cool. I'm excited. Devon has offered up the turkey, stuffing is easy, and mashed potatoes are easy as well. That's all I am going to make, well I'm making some delicious brown gravy. If anyone wants anything else, they can make it and bring it...or bring it and make it.

Nate is excited about his pirate costume, and as soon as I dig out the sink I will be able to dye his pants. We're all going as pirates. Wooohoo!

Crochet

Amanda did it again, teaching me how to be a nerd right. She showed me to Questionable Content where I immediately started reading from the beginning. I remember Bridger showing me comics in 2003 that were like this one.

I also decided that I need to like use code names for people incase anyone I know reads my blog.

So I have been really really into crocheting in the past two days. I made a purse and am working on a blanket for Nate. I am very excited and I hope to finish it before it gets really cold.

Anyhow, we are having a Munchkin night. I am all sorts of popular recently or something.

Return to Wonderland...

So Amanda showed me these a bit ago. I decided to check them out, anyhow I recommend. Highly recommend. She also made me watch Dr. Who tonight. I had never seen it really before, it was awesome. I think she teaches me how to be a better nerd.

I had a good time, we had planned on going for an adventure, some sort of river trail walk. Though we ended up on my couch after baking a cake. Funny how these things turn out.

I think I am going to go to bed. I will more than likely update tomorrow.

Bored.....

I have had this awful cold since Tuesday morning. I am finally getting better, but it is Dan's work week... meaning I have to find things to do by myself or with people. Anyhow, Nate is at my mom's on a trial run of his behavior changes, and I am here in front of the computer hoping that Amanda sees the facebook message I left her.

So, right now it sucks because Dan wasn't accepted to move in here and we have to find a place together. That means I need to get a job. Which isn't that bad, but I would rather not work and be able to spend the next year and a half with Nate before he has to go to school. Sigh, anyway.

I don't have much to say, I failed out of school. I wonder if I get my grant money because FAFSA approved me, the school however did not. Academic politics are weird. The thing that gets me is that the assignments are so strange for online school. I was supposed to write a 1050 word paper on how to manage my relationship and how it developed. WTF? Why should I write to some strange the intimate interworkings of my personal relationship? The week prior to there was an assignment where we were supposed to give these survey things to our "peers" and the surveys had a negative and a positive. The person had to answer which one sounded like me and give a reason. It was terrible. Did they want me to get into fights with people? The only person I could convince to do it was Devon, and a few of her answers hurt my feelings. Though they are her opinions and I respect that. It made me ask her questions and explain why she felt that way, which was awful. I mean, I don't want to be that person.

Date Night...Bad Nate...Job Hunting

(Written on Monday night)

Date night was wonderful. Today was wonderful. Nate was moderatly okay, I cried myself to sleep in my nap, but for some reason I still think it was a good day. We went to the bowling alley drank some beer and decided to go to Denny's. Took a detour at the house to get some more money, then got distracted by the computer.

(Back to present)

So we went to Denny's. Bridger and Dan were so drunk! It was agravating at times but funny at others. They saw a car outside with hazards on and ran out across Brooks to help push it and got $5 each. Which was helpful because it paid for $10 of the dinner.

Tuesday Nate was so bad we had to take all his toys away, and he ended up behaving. So now he has to earn his television time, and his toys back. Speaking of, I am sorting through all his toys and selling or donating the others.

So we have been moving furniture in the bedroom and trying to make it more comfortable for Dan to get away from Nate and I in there when he needs alone time. Though, now I am faced with a conflict where I need to get a job so that we can find a place together.

I need to stop writing because I want to watch Grey's Anatomy.

Blog Makeover Time?

I think it may be time for a blog makeover. I just can't decide which color scheme I am going to go with. With the upcoming holiday I may go with a Sam-hain type theme. Though, I have to think of it.

My sister has a glutten allergy and I ate dinner at her house tonight. I never realized how good of a cook her boyfriend is! They make a wonderful pair. Whatever doubts I had about them as a united couple in the beginning have since been washed out. In fact I feel a little ridiculous about doubting it.

Trying to find an income without actually getting a job is difficult. For now I am trying to work up my stock of handmade jewelry so that I can have a table downtown, and then next year at the people's market. I just am unsure how much I could sell my products for. I might start on Etsy and see. I do have a storefront there, however I have never posted anything.

Lately I have been feeling like everything has its place and I need to get it all there to obtain complete happiness. Right now though, I am really happy. There are minor things that get in the way, but despite the deepest sorrow caused by my father's death, I am happy. I will always be sad about that, and it will always cause great distress when I think to hard about it. Though, I am as happy as I can be given the circumstances.

I have always wanted for someone to love me, and now there is someone who loves me. It is nice to know that I am accepted and cherished. He spends almost all of his energy to make me happy and for that I am extremely pleased. I try to make him happy, though I sometimes feel that I don't do enough. I know that is silly, but it is like there is this desire in me to please him beyond what he shows. I guess that is love right?

I am going to work on merging my stories into a few so that I am not working on several at a time. It is difficult to keep up. Though I haven't worked on them in a long time. I just feel like if I just merged all the ideas into like three stories, I could make a series or something. Three main stories and characters makes for a lot more room for each of them to grow and for me to improve my writing. It might also motivate me to work on it. Since I don't have a job and I am facing all this freetime, it might be a good idea.

Tonight I watched the Labrynth. In fact I am still watching it. When I was a kid I loved this movie so much. It could probably be related to the fact that all three of my mother's children inherited her deep love of David Bowie. Ha!

Anyways, I need to get back to making dinner for Dan. I may write later.

Great Purge

Cleaning my closet tonight made me excited for Christmas. Yes I am Pagan, but there is something about Christmas that is magical. I celebrate Yule and Christmas. I love the decorating and the lights. I love the hot chocolate and the sitting on the couch watching the snow fall. Nothing about Christmas makes me sad...well this year it does. That was the one day I was guarenteed to see my dad. I guess not anymore.

I am having a "Great Purge" of my house. Cleaning out everything, opening every box and throwing it all away. I have to admit I am a little afraid. Though I am thinking, I might be able to find some old electronics and sell them at a pawn shop. Or donat some things to a second hand store. Something like that.

Okay now I need to get back to cleaning. I don't know why I bothered to write this.

Playlist

I don't know what is wrong with me today, but I am so full of rage. I am feeling so much. I just snapped at my kid for climbing on me. I don't do that often. When it's just us. I miss my dad, and I am angry with my mom.

At least I have an amazing playlist for Nate and I to dance to! We've eaten a lot of popcorn today! Popcorn and coffee. Empty calories...I think I can get away with it. I really wish I had a cigarette... why is it so hard? Well I know why, because I didn't want to quit. I quit because I didn't have any money, or a job.

Today I just can't seem to do anything. I laid down to take a nap and had to wake up to take Dan to work. Nate was sound asleep, and well we had to wake him up. That was terrible because we've been back for an hour and a half and he isn't going to take a nap now. I can't be mad or anything, but damnit! I am tired. This rain, as much as I love it, I do have to admit it makes me tired.

I am sure I will update again today...with the way I feel more than likely.

Playlist played on shuffle...

1. Heat of the Moment, Asia

2 Hold On Loosely, 38 Special

3. Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

4. Ellie Goulding- Lights (Bassnectar Remix)

5. Error 404, Skold vs. KMFDM

6. Bennie and the Jets, Elton John

7. Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Elton John

8. Crocodile Rock, Elton John

9. Rocket Man, Elton John

10. Your Song, Elton John

11. Young American (1990 Digital Remaster), David Bowie

12. Bad Reputation, Joan Jett

13. John, I'm Only Dancing (1990 Digital Remaster), David Bowie

14. The Look, Roxette

15. Come On Eileen, Dexys Midnight Runners

16. Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show

17. Highway to Hell, ACDC

18. Tiny Dancer, Elton John

19. Dancing in the Moonlight, King Harvest

20. Fer Sure, The Medic Droid

21. Eet (Album Version), Regina Spektor

22. Keep Sake, State Radio

23. Cotton, The Mountain Goats

24. Shy, Sonata Arctica

25. Dance Music, The Mountain Goats

Coffee without cigarettes....

Coffee with out cigarettes...what's the point? I drink caffeine more to try to stave off the niccotine cravings, though it just makes me want them more. All in all it is still much better than eating to fight the cravings. I really don't know why I am so drawn to the act of smoking. I always dated smokers, I love cigarette kisses. They are my favorite. I feel not like myself since I quit. We quit drinking soda also, and that is difficult. Though yesterday was the first day we went without it. I had the worst head ache ever.

Dan just made a bunch of Grits. Before I had met him, I had never heard of such things. I didn't really enjoy the texture, though I will definitely try them on a day when I am in the mood for them, and not trying to eat waffles also. So we had waffles, cheesy eggs, and they had grits for breakfast. It's times like these when I feel like an actual family. I love it.

I posted that photo of my father's ashes on my facebook and my brother and uncle started a long conversation on it. Then my older sister commented. I am feeling very sad today. I miss my dad a lot. I can't ever remember feeling this bad so it must be a first.

Last night with Dan was perfect. We sat down and talked. We had such good conversation, then we went to bed for two hours and it was perfect. Everything was perfect last night. I didn't feel any sort of insecurity or pressure to act a certain way. We fell asleep at four and thankfully for me Nate was up late so he slept in!

Some Photos

The first photo is of my father's ashes in the glass jar that we put them in. The second is from my birthday we went to the Missoula Maze and Nate was being really defiant that day. Though it made for a cute photo! The third photo is a bracelet I made for him.

The fourth photo... sigh. The other day while we were supposed to be taking a nap, Nate decided to apply makeup. He proceeded to DESTROY $300 worth of my makeup and accessories. He covered the toilet, bathtub, ottoman, and carpet. Yes, well I took a photo, and he had to smile.

Now I am getting off the computer for real.

Cravings and Stumbling

I haven't written in a long while. I failed out of school. I guess I am just not ready for it. This means I need to get a part time job to help support the household. Whenever Nate goes to school I can modify my work schedule accordingly. I just need to make enough money to slowly work at getting out of debt and buying things for Nate.

I have been using StumbleUpon lately. I started using it yesterday and it has given me so many ideas for DIY things and just generally advice on life. I had holed myself up again. I need to get out and have fun. I am starting to feel like I do when I'm starting to spiral into myself. I have decided that I am going to make changes now before I fall into it.

My brother, sister-in-law, and I have started playing LOTRO, and we're all in a kinship together. So I have been spending more time with them. My sister is going on a trip to California for two weeks on Monday. I miss her again, she's been busy. I forgot what it was life before I spent every other day with my family.

Dan bought us a couch for my birthday from his roommate. So we are waiting for this rain to stop so we can move my old couch. It's sad because I never want the rain to stop, but if it could stop for just a day so we could move the couch out, it would be pefect.

Being twenty-three just doesn't feel that young. Perhaps it is because I have a small child and all that responsibility, but I feel old. I need to liven my life up again, and spend some time working on me. Lately finding alone time has been so hard! Though, I decided that I need to make time for me. I need to make time to do things by myself and not get frustrated and go crazy.

I quit buying cigarettes a month ago. It's difficult, I crave them all the time. The problem is, I quit for an economic reason, not for a health reason. When I get a job again I am almost certain that I will start smoking again. I don't really know, but I have the feeling. Though we quit smoking in the apartment, and it is nice. I like not smoking in here. I have had fewer sinus infections, and I feel better. I just want a cigarette.

Well, I need to get back to sorting through my junk! I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderful time until I update again!

Dear Dad...I miss you

Dad

I just wanted you to know that I miss you so very much, and I still love you with everything I have. I am so confused and scared. I feel betrayed and sad. I can’t help but to cry. I keep hearing your voice in my head, seeing your facial expressions. I can’t stop remembering things. It’s been 19 days since they say you died and 16 since I found out. I never thought I could feel pain like this…ever. For the most part, some days I am doing okay. Though, it’s hard to be happy and go back to normal when I know that it was you who pulled the trigger. I just want to know why? I know you left a note, and I know what it says.

Nate asks about you, all the time. He prays for you at night. Well, we make a list of people he wants to dream about and you’re always on that list. There are so many people who love you, I just don’t understand why you didn’t ask one of us for help. I mean, really ask. I could have let you move in with me, and I could have got a ground floor apartment that would have been easy for you to go in and out of. I could have bought your cigars and anything else you would have needed.

I am not okay. It doesn’t matter how many times I say that I am… I am not. I call your phone to hear your voicemail all the time. I know it’s not healthy, but I miss you. I just want to hug you, then yell at you for being so foolish. I want to know that you are alright, and I want to talk to you again. I want to hear you play your guitar to the radio on a hot summer night when there is nothing else to do to escape from the heat. I want to come up and visit you by that pond, or have a drink with you at the lodge. I want so much to have you back, and it kills me to know that nothing I do will make that possible.

I know you love me, I know you do. Though, when you left this way, it feels like nothing I ever did mattered. It feels like I didn’t matter. I shouldn’t think like that but I am. I can’t help it, my emotions are all crazy and I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I want to scream until I can’t breathe. I want to run until I can’t feel…and I really really want to just lie in my bed and cry all day.

I am a mess, I quit my job because I couldn’t go in there and not think about you. I told everyone that I got fired, I probably shouldn’t lie. Though I don’t want to hear it. I am dying inside and I have no one to talk to. You were the one I always talked to about these things, I always called you to make me happy. I hoped that I could return the sentiment and make you feel good when you were otherwise not. I have never had a hole so large in my chest before and I feel as though I am going to explode from the anguish. If it weren’t for Nate, I would not be able to go on.

At first I was so angry with you. I wanted to yell and scream at you, though I know that’s not how you would be. I was always so much like you, able to see things from both sides. I just wish it didn’t have to end this way. I miss you, and it may be for selfish reasons, but I wanted you to walk me down the isle. I wanted you to be there for my children I am going to have. I wanted you to teach Nate how to ride horses, and I wanted to learn more from you about the wilderness and guns. I wanted you to teach me everything you knew so that one day I could be half the person you were. Everyone keeps saying what a great guy you were and how it is a terrible loss… if so many people loved you then why did you leave? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave Chelsea, Bridger, Dani, and Nate? My heart is broken into a million little pieces and you’re the only one who could have fixed it.

I do little things to distract myself. I swim at Chelsea’s house. I play games on my computer, watch movies with Nate. Though it’s very difficult for me to tell him bedtime stories without crying, that was our thing. You always read to me. Nate and I are working on the alphabet, and you’re the one who taught me that, I get to “L” and then I start crying.

Chelsea told me this story today about how she was in walmart and this little girl was sitting with her father rubbing her cheek on his hand…it made me miss you so much. She said she cried. When I was little and it was just us, we would go to Subway, and watch Sesame Street, and Thomas the Tank Engine. We would sit at the kitchen counter and play on that learning video game. Socrates, I think it was called. I remember how you always would tell me how beautiful I was when you saw me, and even if I didn’t feel very beautiful that day, it always made me feel better.

The last time I saw you, we were talking about my hair and how long it has been getting. We talked about how Nate was forming actual sentences that people could understand and how awesome that was. If I would have known that would be the last time, I would have taken more care to make it more special. I would have hugged you longer, and not rushed to get home and put Nate to bed. I would have answered the phone that Wednesday when you called. I ignored it because I was getting ready for work. I feel so awful about that. I didn’t even listen to the whole message. I deleted it after I heard you say there was stuff in the back of the car for me because I was going to call you on my lunch break, though I never did.

I remember how I used to take Nate to the lodge to see you, and the winter before last how you were teaching him how to make snow angels in the parking lot. How he face planted off the picnic table onto the rocks and ice, got up and laughed. I remember so much about you, but I can’t make it okay. I can’t just think like I did with Grandpa and Gran, that remembering you will make me feel better. It doesn’t, you were so young. 57 is not that old, you had so much life left. You always said when you left this world a great sigh would pass over the land, I used to just laugh. Though that Wednesday, in the middle of my work shift, I was overcome by an unknown wave of sorrow that lasted until that Saturday when I finally understood what my mind was trying to tell me. I have wept so much over this, and it is so hard to stay strong when I love you so much. I miss you more with every passing breath and it doesn’t get any easier. They say that time will heal, though I don’t think it will in this case.

I need to go to put Nate back in bed, but I thought I would let you know what is on my mind. Also, Nate keeps asking for you. I don’t know what I am supposed to tell him, so I just say that Papa with his Mommy, Daddy, and Step-Dad and we won’t see him for a very long time. Is that what I am supposed to say? I need you so badly, and I know there is no way to reach you. So I just wanted to let you know, that I will always love you more than anything. You always meant the world to me, always. Even if I didn’t show it as much as I could have.

I love you, dad.

Love,
Me

DIY

My friend got me really into DIY stuff again, so I am sharing with you all a link to my tumblr. I have made another bracelet, and I will keep updating this blog with my DIY stuff as well.

Soda-Tab Bracelet...

I got this idea from a friend who sent me this link. I modified the ending part of it, and how it is held together at the very back. Though I think it adds to it with the material I used for the cord. I actually took the speaker wires off my 3 year old's broken cd player.

Time Goes By...

It has been a while. So my father killed himself on the third of August. I no longer work at BK. I started watching my friend's children. Ummm....what else? My sister-in-law broke her foot the day we were cleaning out my father's old camper trailer. It was pretty awful. This whole month has been awful. Well, last month I mean. This month is a new month. September, it's MY month. My birthday is in 24 days!!!

Drama, Drama, and More Drama

There is so much drama in the store now. So it was a bad day on Sunday, really bad. Anyhow, Dan called in and talked to S because I washed the dishes with cut up fingers. Anyhow, basically she complained to EVERYONE in the store about how I MADE him call in and talk to her. Okay, first off I was driving when he called, I took RC home and drove home to hear how he called her. I was really angry about it at first, but then I wasn’t because it was apparent to me that he was trying to help me. Anyhow, so now everyone is mad at me, no one gets free food. The sooner I leave the better. I just really hate how everyone freaked out without even asking me what was up. It is making me mad. Today is my Monday and I am going to go in and not talk to anyone. If they say anything I will give them the story, but I don’t think I will be working here much longer.

Fast Food Confessional #3

In fast food, or in my experience, it seems the title of manager automatically means you get to stop doing work on the floor when you're needed and do "manager work" in the back. I don't know about today but I am about ready to shoot someone. I have been taking and running my own orders since I got here at 3. I am so fucking done. I do not get paid enough to feel this way.
So, if you ask me to work in the back on food, don't tell me to run an order out, or fill up the ice in the lobby. Also, since I'm not a back person, don't get mad when I make food slowly. Its been months since I worked breakfast in the back. I am so done with Burger King. I am going to find another job after work. I am so freaking sick of being paid $7.35/hr and being expected to do all of this shit. Really? Like really? Wtf? I understand exceptions with this job, but being the manager's personal assistant so they don't have to do any real work is not part of my job description. It isn't. So stop asking me to do every little thing for you! It's alright for you to go smoke a cigarette or two every hour but whenever I ask, I have to wait for you to go first, then we get busy and it's your turn again.
I have lost respect for most of these people. The only ones I like anymore are people who are leaving soon. There is nothing here for me anymore. I am very tired of this job.
Another thing, don't bitch about employees if you do the same thing. All the managers here are stupid. All of them, in their own way. SM doesn't know how to count or spell... or leave grammatically correct messages. N thinks he is the assistant manager when he would never be, they would hire outside of work before they would promote him. S thinks she's untouchable, and she works hard yes. Though, she works hard on the things that should be the GM's duties and not her own. Granted all her shit gets done by the end of her shifts, but that's because I am her like personal servant and I let her walk all over me...and for what? I get nothing out of it.
I think it is time for me to move on, Monday and Tuesday will be spent finding a new job. I really need it. I need to change or I will snap and be out of a job without anything to fall back on.

It's a Luxury to Cry

(My stupid phone posted this on the wrong blog so I am copying and pasting it here.)

Once you become a parent, it becomes a luxury to cry, to mope, to feel sorry for yourself and all of that. My friend RC is going through some stuff right now and we were talking about that. I know how she feels, if it weren't for my son, sometimes I would just wallow over the things that don't seem to matter and fall into depression with the big stuff. I offered to watch her son for a night so she could wallow. Though to an extent I think the act of crying is important. It releases endorfins (spelling?) and makes you feel better. Though it is also important to be strong for your children. Lately I haven't had anything to cry about and for that I am grateful.

Im on my break at work right now and nothing sounds better than going to the store to get cigarettes, but I left my ID at home. Sad face! Anyhow, my friend is about to pop any day and I know I'm not alone is wishing that baby would hurry up and get here!!! I've been waiting months to see her... then again so has my friend. I am getting more and more excited every time I think about it. Road trip! So, hurry up and have that baby! (Lol)

Fast Food Confessional #2

I don't know if she realizes she is doing it, but S will give me like 15 tasks that take a great deal of time and expect me to get them all done, while taking orders in like five minutes. Then she asks me to do more things before im done, but uses a tone that makes it seem like she wants it done immediately. I understand that fast food is fast paced, but really? When I am doing the tasks of two people, tasks that definitely take longer than three minutes each all at once, she really needs me to drop everything to make her an iced coffee? She's nice about it too which makes it worse. I love her to death but when I joke about how when I write "S" on her cup it means "Slavedriver" part of me is serious.

Then there are the customers. I hate when they go "I want a... Can I get a... a... ummm... uh..." I'm like use real words, complete your sentences or don't say them at all!I also don't understand why they have to be so rude. Just because I work at Burger King doesn't mean I am unintelligent. It doesn't mean that I don't have feelings, and it surely doesn't mean that I live my life to make sure your burger is made correctly. We're not robots, things happen, people mess up. Freaking grow up and deal with it, I would gladly give you your money back or replace your order. There is no need to yell at me, or call me names. I don't understand why one person can be just nice as can be, then the next car in the line is the biggest d-bag you've ever met.

I also don't get people who yell at you for offering free stuff. We were doing a deal where if you bought a whopper you would get a free 20oz drink, and the amount of people who yell at you when you offer them something for free is ridiculous. Especially when they order the sandwich and the fries. Or when you ask them the required questions. Like if they want cheese? Is it in a meal? Do they want it small, medium, or large? We are required to ask those questions people, so don't get mad. There is no need.

People don't understand that if they are nice we will be nice back. Its common sense.

We also have this manager. She is the biggest suck up ever. It irritates me because it's her tills that are always off, her date stickers that are always wrong, he counts off, well you get the picture. She does this thing where she puts the hold time on the coffee pot with the grease pen. Which is actually against the policy. Though last night when I brought it up to her, she was like "this is how I do it so I know which one the time is for." So I said that it looked tacky and she was irritated at me for the rest of my shift. Honestly, it was like 7PM, why would we need 2 coffee up? We didn't even sell one.

Another manager we have is flamboyantly... bisexual. Well he says he's bi, I can see it. Not many other people can. He irritates everyone, granted he's 20, making him the youngest manager at our store. Well, he does everything wrong also. He is so full of himself that he thinks he's always right and that his word is law. He has screamed at the employees in front of customers before. He and my boyfriend got into a huge yelling fight one night. I wasn't there but from what I heard it was bad. N the manager had to be escorted home after his shift, and my boyfriend broke a headset.

Anyhow that's all the BK drama I have in me to talk about tonight.

Love?

Being someone who was rasied to believe that love and family are the most important things in the world because money only gets you so far and there doesn't seem to be much else people care about, I have always been very open to the idea of love. Now, I know you all probably think you know where this is going... seeing as I have found a new man friend. This is different though. I had the exchange in the photo with a friend today. It irritates me that he dated my best sister-friend, long distance but still they had a relationship, and then he posts something like that a month after they cut it off.

I believe in love, perhaps it's because I have a small child and he makes me see the world with different eyes, or perhaps it's because love isn't something to give up on. This year was all about self discovery, and so far I have learned far more about myself than I had thought I would by this point.

Anyhow, I need to go cash my paycheck and buy some crap.

Braless Wonder

I did more in public today before 10AM without a bra on than I think I have ever done in my life. First my coworker brought her son over, and I had to go pick my son up from my mom's house. Then I took Dan to work, then SM gave her son and Nate some food. So TZ was getting off and I took him home. Now I am home and I feel more than a little white trash.

I threw the kids in the bathtub and they are squirting each other with water guns, so I decided to blog a little. Okay put that plan on hold, they got too crazy in there. My kid and TT are being so mean to each other, then I separate them and they freak out.

Absolutely Fabulous is a pretty funny show, my sister got me to watch it. I am only on the first season. My sister said that I am like Eddy, and she is like Patsy. It's totally true. My sister is against her having children, and I have a child but I still party. Granted my child isn't nearly as smart as Saffie. Though, he's only three and she is sixteen. haha

I have decided to go back on the HCG diet when I get some money. I just need $50 to start off again. The paycheck after this next one will be perfect for it. Then perhaps by my birthday I will be down enough to wear that cute green dress I have owned forever and never been able to fit into right.

Collecting all the Pieces... :)

Things have been looking up lately. I have a boyfriend, I've finally fallen into a routine with my son, shool, work, and Dan. Life is good. Though, I think I need a maid, a sugar daddy, and someone smart to pay to do my homework for me! If only!

I decided to clean my house today, like move my furniture around. That really isn't cleaning. Bear with me, something got spilled on my keyboard and the "C" key requires a little force to get working. My babysitter said she didn't do it, and that Nate wasn't near the computer but Nate told me it was his tea that did it.

I am having such a strange feeling inside me. Like... everything is falling into place. I rarely feel that. It's wonderful. On a different note, Billy Joel makes cleaning the house so much better!

I am going to get back to my housework. I will more than likely update later.

Coffee and Nicotine

I have been fueling my day with coffee and nicotine. It's been a fairly good day so far. Nate has been good, Dan gives the best hugs and I love waking up to them in the morning. I am about to go do laundry, and it's payday!

I have been working on my house today, though none of the things that are important. Just the parts of my house that need organizing. I made up a toy sorting box for Nate's toys out of cardboard and duck tape. I intend on making my house look like they do in the movies...haha yeah right?!

So since Dan has been spending a lot of time over here I have been finding change everywhere, and I have been putting it all in a jar. I decided that I am going to save it up so that one day when he is out of money between paydays I can buy him a pack of cigarettes with his own money. It would just be awesome. So far there is forty-one cents.

I have been having such an amazing time with him lately, I think I am falling so deeply in like with him. I love it. He makes me so happy, and I havne't felt happy in a long time.

Speaking of organizing my house and stuff, I am going to make my room two people friendly. It has been, big person + little person friendly. I decided that it will feel better if it's like that. The only problem is that D likes to sleep next to the wall and I am going to make the bed be in the middle. I just think if he has a bedside table I won't have to have that coffee table next to the bed. It will be nice, I don't know why I am going into such detail about it on here. Though like I said I have been fueling my day with coffee and nicotine.

Long Way Home

Today I walked to work. I walked 2.2 miles there and 2.2 miles back. From my adventure the other night I have a giant blister on my foot and this walk only made it bigger. I fucking hate blisters....more than anything. Anyhow, my legs hurt and I am tired.

So, I get home and Nate was crying. Which alarmed my sister-in-law so he got to stay awake. I know she was worried about him, but man I just wanted to get home take a shower and go to sleep. Though now I can't. I am glad she was concerned about him, but at the same time I am frustrated because I always just let him cry. Like right now, he's in there sobbing, which breaks my heart but I know he is doing it for a reason...to get out of going to bed.

D is supposed to come over, I hope he doesn't mind me being totally boring. I am so sore I might just curl up and watch a movie. He said he would leave a half hour after I left BK and it would take him a half hour to get here but if that's what he did, he should have been here 20 minutes ago. Sigh... I am so sore I can't stop complaining. So I am just going to get off of here and take a bath and hope that Nate stops coming out of his room.

Shrooms and Irish Nachos

I ate Irish Nachos for dinner. It was delicious. So last night I did shrooms. It was awesome!!! I can't wait to do them again. I am quite excited about it.

D and I had such a good time. I think I am falling even more deeply every day. I think I may have convinced him to be in a three way relationship with DK. Now, I just have to convince DK to join us. It would be totally awesome. Make me totally the happiest girl in the world.

On another note, I am very happy today. Aside from the horrible head ache, and Nate being bad. He started being good, and I have been drinking a lot of water making myself feel better. So my head ache is gone, well almost.

I need to get back on my diet. I feel like crap with all this bad food I've been eating lately. I need to eat more vegetables and less processed food, much less fried food. I need to clean my house really badly. D has been over and I would much rather hang out with him than clean.

I have been working on writing this entry since about four-thirty and it is now eight-thirteen, I think I am going to put a cap on it and go to bed. I am so tired!!!

L'amour

Never have I felt more adored, or more wonderful than I have felt since I started spending time with D. He makes me so happy. I like to see him smile because of something I said. For some reason, he has the perfect thing to say to make me happy when I have become upset for whatever reason. Like yesterday I had been awake for 37 hours, worked two eight hour shifts in the span of time, and went to go pick him up from work. When I saw him, it was like the awful post graduation crazy busy day mood had left and all there was left was him.

It's nice when you meet someone who doesn't mind your child, granted he gets annoyed of him, like any twenty-two year old, childless male would at a three year old. Though, we spend a lot of time together and it makes me happy.

I haven't been really really happy in a long time. I know this year was supposed to be about me and not about boys, but perhaps that was how I was supposed to spend it so I could meet with him. I need to get back to washing my dishes, but I will update later.

Sleep Deprived....

It is so very windy here these last few days. I have to say I love it. It is really annoying when I don't expect it and do my hair nicely. Though that's alright, today I didn't make that mistake.

Work was alright for the most part but this guy, ST he doesn't joke very well. Like he makes jokes, but he smiles the same as when he is talking. Anyhow, he made a joke that sort of made me sad. Though now that I know he is joking, it's all good. For a good hour of my shift I was sad about it.

Anyway, N was being very nice today. It's probably because when he came in he snapped at me and it made me very sad. S said that he was probably not mad at me, and DP said that we should try our hardest to make him more upset. That made me a little angry, we shouldn't intentionally try to make someone upset.

So now I am sitting here with D drinking some Jack and Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. It has been such a strange day, though at the end of it I am in a good mood. I have to work at seven in the morning however and it is almost one. So I think I will be getting off of the computer.

Fast Food Confessional 1

So today, first a lady came through the drive thru, yelled at me for asking her if she wanted her sandwich in a combo. Okay I could get in trouble for not asking. Then she drove off. Im like okay...moving on. Finally the customers were getting to me so bad I took the headset off and worked on front counter. First order a guy told me that the whopper jr. is only one dollar and was yesterday. Well sorry sir, the whopper jr.hasn't been one dollar since 2008. Then he freaked out when he wrote a check and I needed to see his id. Man!

Okay rant over. But these people need to get a clue. It should be a law that people work fast food for an entire year before they can get a different job. Like should be a grade 13 or something. The world would have a much better respectful customer base after about 10 years.

Feelings...

I love April, September, October. I love sunshine, but I love rain more. I love the way thunder rumbles and you feel it deep in yourself. I love the way life never gets any easier and you either learn from what you were given, or you don't...I choose to learn. I love music, dancing, and having a good time. I miss the friends I used to have, though I love the new ones I've made since then. I love the time I spend talking with them about things that are imortant to me, knowing they are actually intersted. I love listening to them talk about the things that are important to them, because it's a part of them and I love them for who they are. I miss all the ones I have loved that have died. I love the lessons I have learned in my short time on this earth, and look forward to the ones I am to learn. I love a new pack of cigarettes. No matter what anyone says, nothing beats a nice cold Jack and Coke. I love a warm cup of hot chocolate at Yuletide, when it's cold and the world is covered in a beautiful blanket of snow. I love that some days I am perfectly happy to lay in bed and play the monster game with my little boy. I love the way the sunrise is so angry, and the sunset is so peaceful and calm. The way the rain sounds on the tin roof of a trailer. I ache for not knowing my grandfather whenever I smell cigarettes mixed with house paint. I ache for all the hungry children in the world, all the children with unfit parents...all the abused people in the world. I smile everytime I see a rainbow, always wanting to chase after the pot of gold. The sound of bagpipes resonate through my heart and always stop me in my tracks. I love how when I wake up five minutes before my alarm, although it's hopeless, I always try to fall back asleep. I love the sound of my son's laughter, the sound of his misformed words. I love his hugs, and his kisses. Most of all I love being a mommy. I love my life, and it's not an easy one, but it's good. I am truely blessed by my goddess and couldn't think of life being any other way for me.

Long Time!!!

It has been a long time since I posted. I haven't been up to much, just partying, finding myself....falling deeply in like with a guy. Sigh...

I know he likes me back, so I don't know why it is so difficult for me to make the first move. Though, it's harder somehow knowing that it is not just based on sex. I actually like him. I don't really know what to do.

I need to do something productive, but I can't sleep and I can't stop obsessing over this whole romantic entanglement that I haven't really gotten myself into but really want to. I think I might go on a drive, take some photos, I dunno...do something. Perhaps drink a little, though... that would be drinking alone and that is never good.

Road Trip

So we went to Augusta and it snowed! So we stayed in the motel, well anyhow. It was an amazing vacation. Chelsea and I got to have a lot of good sister time. Which was much needed.

Nate got to play with his friend Jasper, and best of all...I got to see my best friend Cassie. I felt the need to post some photos. I will have more up later, ones of the storm we drove through three times. My friend Dan said that the wall clouds are dangerous because it could easily turn into a cyclone. Anyhow, I will update more later.

Facebook Challenge: Day 16

Someone who inspires you...again my best friend Cassie. Her photography is amazing, and makes me want to get better so that one day we can hang our photos in the same gallery and no one will be able to tell the difference.

Facebook Challenge: Day 15

Something you want to do before you die...own my own boutique. One where I would sell hand made candles, and clothing.

Facebook Challenge: Day 14

Person you could never imagine life without... My mother...and my son.

Facebook Challenge: Day 13

Favorite Band

Facebook Challenge: Day 12

Something you love: My family. (My brother and son)

Facebook Challenge: Day 11

Something you hate: CORN!!! blech....

Facebook Challenge: Day 10

Do the most messed up stuff with: My beautiful baby sister... we have a lot of good times. I couldn't imagine having anyone else to be my best friend and sister!!!

Facebook Challenge: Day 9

Someone who got you through the most...My best friend Cassie. If I didn't have her to text I don't know what I would do.

Facebook Challenge: Day 8

Always makes you laugh... My son when he's happy.

Facebook Challenge: Day 7

Most treasured item, my baby blanket. I've had it since I was born. My parents wrapped me in it when I slept. It got named pinki because it used to be pink. It is now a ragged mass of string and fabric that I keep knotted up so it doesn't disintegrate even more. Though as Cassie said, after 22 years it's supposed to look like this.

Facebook Challenge: Day 6

Person I would like to switch places with. My son.... because I would love to look at the world with open innocent eyes. I would love to be able to play with a cardboard box for hours and be totally happy.

Facebook Challenge: Day 5

Couldn't find one, that didn't show my boobs, of me holding my son for the first time, so I decided to put one of my father holding my son.

Facebook Challenge: Day 4

Habit you wish you didn't have...couldn't think of anything really but my addiction to sex. haha

Thought Today

So today was a wonderful day so far, although I slept through the afternoon and I awoke after I couldn't go to court. So I hope that tomorrow I won't get in more trouble when I go to court.

I presented my son with the standard three choices for kool-aid. orange, grape, and cherry. He chose grape, which is what I always chose when I was little. It made me proud. We had spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner, it was delicious. We have been having such a great day!

I have been considering homeschooling my son. Or sending him to public school and waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be homeschooled or not. Though, I guess him going to public school is probably better for him. I want to travel, and I know that there are summers for that, though it seems to be easier in jobs to get time off during winter than in summer.

B and D want to get a house big enough for my son and I to move in with them. Then we can all work on getting another house so we can have two. We'd want them to be close. I know that sounds like a bad idea, though its more practacal. Besides if we were all there together, when they have kids our kids will grow up close as cousins should. Though I am trying to stear them towards where I want to live. Probably not very nice, but I want to move east a little, as much as I love my valley I sort of want plains and open space for a bit to clear my head. That and, my stepdad loves it over there and might get my mom to change her mind about it.

Facebook Challenge: Day 3

Cast of Favorite show: Supernatural

Facebook Challenge: Day 2

My baby sister and me!

Facebook Challenge: Day 1

15 Facts

1. I love being a mommy.

2. I often change my mind, and make hasty decisions.

3. I chain smoke when given the chance.

4. I rarely use my turn indicators.

5. Jack and Coke may very well be the greatest drink ever!

6. I am afraid of numerous things, most of all... I am afraid of losing everyone I love at the same time. Or being alone, I think they tie for number one.

7. I am pagan, and proud of it.

8. I kill plants...not on purpose...it just happens!

9. I never feel I am good enough to do anything new, including activities, jobs, and/or meeting new people.

10. I love taking photos of myself.

11. Nothing is more important to me than knowledge... well perhaps my child.

12. Going back to college is a really difficult task for me.

13. I really should bike more.

14. I am addicted to silly soap operas about other people leading basically normal, yet funny lives.

15. I spend too much time on my makeup and hair on days when it doesn't matter, yet not enough on days when I should.

21 Days......

Apartment inspection on Wednesday. I am not ready, though I am closer to ready than I was last week. I just lack organizational skills unless I do it all in one day and leave the apartment and not come back! (LOL)

I have been making lists and packing for my trip in 22 days. I am so super excited. I never thought I could hold this much excitement and I am more than happy to just bumble about putting my things in boxes and compile lists.

I have been considering moving to where I am going to visit. Or a nearby city, because I need a change and until Nate is in school that's my last chance! I want him to go to the school I did. I am thinking of moving for two years, and then when its time for school we'll move back. I just hope I can get a job where I can afford childcare and rent.

I started writing this when it was 22 days until the trip, as in last night, now its 21 days to the trip. Well, its only been about 10 hours.

I put my son in the bath, and I am getting ready for work. His bath water is green! I love modern bath toys! Anyhow, I should get back to my cup of coffee and BBC news page.

Kids

I really find it amazing how kids 4 and under can play together hitting and stealing each other's toys with a smile. That and the fact that my son told his friend not to push the laser button on buzz lightyear because it annoys me. And I thought he didn't listen. He's probably thinking no one annoys my mother but me! Haha I love it.

St. Patrick's Day

I spent the day with my son, and we had a blast. I bought myself flowers, a bottle of cabernet, and some nice juicy steak. After Nate goes to bed I am making a steak and drinking some wine.

I cleaned my livingroom today, moved furniture and cleaned under it. It looks amazing. I am having such a good day. At first it was boring, and now it is going well.

We went to the mall, and I realized that my son is my best friend. We had a pretzel and an orange julius. He played on the train and had a blast. Then we went to go see my brother and Albertson's. I loved my day. I am having such a good time with my little monkey! He is my favorite person in the whole world.

This Last Week...

I just had to ask my professor to help me understand thing is psychology. I always had someone to help explain things to me and that's why I always was good at it. Though the way the questions are worded makes me confused. I hate having to ask for help because I have always been a fairly intelligent person. This is difficult to even admit on here.

A lot has been going on, I have been struggling to understand what I should be doing in school. Planning my trip to Augusta. I also made the decision to have my sister-in-law watch my son starting Friday.

My grant hasn't come yet, I expect it to be here like Monday. I am hoping because otherwise my account is going to be overdrawn like $150 at least.

I need to get back into eating food that is good for me again. I have been eating like crap lately, and I feel like crap because of it! It's awful. I did something to my knee and it hurts really bad. I don't know what I did, all I know is that its tight to bend and I havne't ever felt anything like that.

My son got to meet his aunt for the first time the other day and it was awesome! I was so happy to see my family together. I got some photos and I am excited to share them.

I also need to clean my house because it has gotten bad again. The other day when I had to brush cookie crumbs off the couch to cuddle my son, I realized I need to pull the vacuum out.

Sisters and Dinner

My older sister is in town, I am really excited because she hasn't ever met my son. She's been out of the state for the last three years. Its sad that she had to come back because B's grandma died but I am excited that she is here! I saw her today and man she is beautiful. I always forget that. When I was younger I used to be so jealous of how beautiful she is.

Tonight we're having a family dinner with my grandma and we call her Bootsie, well I said to my son "We're going to see Grandma Bootsie!" He goes "Doo-see!" That's the closest he's ever got to saying her name. He also just tried to drink my mom's wine! That's what I get for blogging when I'm at my mother's!

I brought my camera so I could get pictures of Grandma and Nate. She's getting old and it might be nice to have some. That sounds rude, but Grandpa died almost two years ago and we only have like four pictures of Nate and him...if that.

My mom is on the phone and its sounding like my grandma isn't coming over. That's sad. I was actually looking forward to seeing her. Oh well, we'll have to see her some other time. I don't know when that will be I don't see her that much at all anymore.

Though better news, Wednesday I am going to be spending the evening with my sister, and the rest of the family. I am excited. I haven't got to just sit down and talk to her in a LONG time! Its funny because she's my father's daughter, but the party is at my mother's house.

Well I guess my grandma is going to be here after all, just not for dinner.

Ugh...

Working 4 hours is so pointless. It annoys me that I don't get more hours. Now that I am actually trying. I might ask A if I can come back to Taco Bell.

Troubles for a Troubled Mind

So, N told me last night that he likes me, but what kind of fag-hag am I if the one my very close friend adores likes me? I don't know how to proceed. I can't sleep with N because I made a promise, and I am sort of off of random sex right now. Though maybe he doesn't like me, but I know he wants to have sex with me. Sigh.....

I also realized that I sort of have been pushing C away because I am afraid to let myself be with someone who is nice because what if I do and I like him and he doesn't like me back? I am afraid of sleeping with him because what if I like him. It is always harder for me to seperate my emotions from sex when the person is nicer to me than the others. So I don't know. It sounds unreasonable though that's what I discovered about myself last night. I am unable to let people in if there is a chance I could fall for them.

Why am I so against happiness? I mean I sort of had a crush on C in middle school, though I never really thought much about if when T told me that C wanted to sleep with me. In fact I didn't even think of it until last night. Though I haven't told T that, I haven't had a chance. I really want to talk to him, but I would feel weird asking him to come over. I text-whored him last night and the night before he was at my house watching movies until three in the morning. I just don't want him to think that I am all clingy and whatnot.

I have so much on my mind that I discovered last night, nothing like drinking in a crowded room and feeling completely alone. My brother was talking with his friends, his wife was flirting with a girl she is in like with. So it was just me and my thoughts. I had a lot of thoughts come to the surface that I hadn't wanted to think about and it changed a lot about me. I didn't want to admit that I am attracted to assholes because they are assholes.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge about the way my mind works. I know I am not the only girl who thinks like that, but I don't want to be one of those. I don't want to be that girl. I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't know how to bring it up to anyone.

California is giving me advice about this whole thing right now. I miss her a lot. She gave me the same advice about the whole N-T thing that I was thinking.

Whew. That was a lot of typing. Anyhow, I have to get back to my homework so I will stop rambling.