Troubles for a Troubled Mind

So, N told me last night that he likes me, but what kind of fag-hag am I if the one my very close friend adores likes me? I don't know how to proceed. I can't sleep with N because I made a promise, and I am sort of off of random sex right now. Though maybe he doesn't like me, but I know he wants to have sex with me. Sigh.....

I also realized that I sort of have been pushing C away because I am afraid to let myself be with someone who is nice because what if I do and I like him and he doesn't like me back? I am afraid of sleeping with him because what if I like him. It is always harder for me to seperate my emotions from sex when the person is nicer to me than the others. So I don't know. It sounds unreasonable though that's what I discovered about myself last night. I am unable to let people in if there is a chance I could fall for them.

Why am I so against happiness? I mean I sort of had a crush on C in middle school, though I never really thought much about if when T told me that C wanted to sleep with me. In fact I didn't even think of it until last night. Though I haven't told T that, I haven't had a chance. I really want to talk to him, but I would feel weird asking him to come over. I text-whored him last night and the night before he was at my house watching movies until three in the morning. I just don't want him to think that I am all clingy and whatnot.

I have so much on my mind that I discovered last night, nothing like drinking in a crowded room and feeling completely alone. My brother was talking with his friends, his wife was flirting with a girl she is in like with. So it was just me and my thoughts. I had a lot of thoughts come to the surface that I hadn't wanted to think about and it changed a lot about me. I didn't want to admit that I am attracted to assholes because they are assholes.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge about the way my mind works. I know I am not the only girl who thinks like that, but I don't want to be one of those. I don't want to be that girl. I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't know how to bring it up to anyone.

California is giving me advice about this whole thing right now. I miss her a lot. She gave me the same advice about the whole N-T thing that I was thinking.

Whew. That was a lot of typing. Anyhow, I have to get back to my homework so I will stop rambling.