Confessions

So, I think I am diabetic. It would explain a lot. I just am afraid to get tested. I don't want to be, but everyone in my family is... well not everyone, but most of them. I don't think I eat very well, and I know I eat far too much junk food. Sometimes, candy makes me really sleepy. I hear that's a symptom. J said that when you are diabetic you crave sugar and sweets. Like you see them, and you want them so bad it will drive you crazy. That happens to me sometimes.

That's it. My big confession I guess. I don't know why it scares me so bad to get tested, I just don't want to have that. Though my grandpa changed his diabetes just by eating right. I guess in theory it could happen to me. I just have no willpower.

Anyhow, T is coming over and I am making stir-fry. Its the kind that comes already made but frozen, my mom gave it to me a while ago and it was in my freezer, I hope it tastes good. I am picky about my stir-fry and I make it really really good.

This wasn't a very good update, though that's all I got. ha

Another Day...Night?

So I really worked five-eight. I think S told me the wrong time when I let. But that's okay. I think all in all it was only 14 minutes less than my original shift would have been, and with my friend T. I had a good night. I am falling behind in school again. Though, its the first week. Next week I will do much better. Things won't be as crazy...I hope.

My body hurts so bad today. I didn't work out this morning and I feel it. Not to mention I have been eating like crap lately. That can't help. So much for my food resolve!

My Natie is sick and it makes me very sad. He gets all cuddly but I know there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. Though if his cough isn't gone by tomorrow I am taking him to the doctor. I work at seven in the morning so I think I will be going to bed soon.

"If growing up were easy Fievel, would it take so long?"

So today I was thinking, well actually I have been thinking this for a while. The more I talk about sex, the more it should alarm those around me. When I am talking about sex, it means I am usually trying to not think about other things in my life that are upsetting me. Its my...defense. I don't know exactly why I do it, though I do.

Not that there is anything really going wrong lately, I am just having an identity crisis. When you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself it opens your eyes. I am however speaking of a figurative mirror. I have looked the same my whole life, for the most part anyway.

Right now, I am not in-like with anyone and that's strange. Not that its not a good thing, but I can't remember the last time I wasn't in-like with anyone. I mean I have friends, and there are people I am attracted to. Though, there is no one with whom I want to have a meaningful relationship. I mean more meaningful than just friendship. I don't want to sound like a trollop, but sometimes casual relations are better than a relationship.

I am working tonight again from five until eleven. I hope I work better than I did last night. Last night I was...very lazy.

I guess my problems right now, my emotional ones anyhow, are that I never got the chance to move out of my parents house and be on my own. I moved out and found out I was pregnant, spent that time preparing for the baby. Moved back in with my parents, then moved out with my son. Not that I want to send him away, or that I don't love him, though I feel guilty sometimes for having fun without him. I know I shouldn't, but he's my responsibility. He is my everything. I love being a mommy, it's my very favorite. Sometimes though... I wish I could have done things differently.

I don't have any regrets, though sometimes I wish I would have taken things more slowly. That's probably why I have such a detached sense of love. I rushed my life and here I am at 22, living like a 30+ year old. This year is all about slowing down and taking things as they come. Sigh, wish me luck.

Pulling a Double

So yesterday I decided to pick up another shift, a half shift rather. I worked an evening shift for the first time at BK. It was strangely exhausting. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. ;) Well actually I didn't work very well, that's the problem with T and N they distract me. I heart them so I always want to talk to them. Though it gave me more motivation to be better on my shift because, I don't want to be that person that everyone thinks should get fired though no one will say it to their face.

The funny thing is that it was actually I that was the distracter and not so much the distractee. I just have this need to talk to the people I like. Which is probably why I am working 3hour long shifts. Anyhow, I gave D a ride home and he has this sexy sexy southern drawl. I could listen to him talk for hours. Those who know me know that I have a weakness for southern men.

I have to go to work at 11 today, so I should probably stop sitting here playing on the computer, but I just felt the need to update about working an evening shift. I actually enjoyed it. In hindsight I could have done far less standing around and more working. I just hope that I don't have to have my mother watch my son and move to nights because I don't think I would be able to keep my job for very long. Maybe N should have just beat me with a broom and made me get to work.

T makes me want to be more globally aware. Though with all the stuff going on in Libya it's hard for me to keep it up. That stuff scares me so bad. Granted, we wouldn't be that screwed if they stopped selling us oil and whatnot. I mean, we would be for a while, though Bio-Diesel has already proved to be an efficient way to run vehicles. Our city buses run on it and the "Green Taxi" company run on it as well. Besides, more people should bike, or walk. Especially the fat people who come in and order triple whoppers with large fries and a large soda.

Anyhow, it is twelve after eleven and I need to get dressed and take my son to my cousin's.

And the Job Search Begins

Working at a job where I get less than 20 hours a week is starting to not work. I have to borrow money to pay my rent and my babysitter. My rent is based on my income and I am awaiting an appointment to change it.

I was looking in the adds and it seems you have to be a professional or have a degree. What about students? Is anyone out there looking for students? Granted its online college and I have the hangup of having a toddler that I want to spend all my waking time watching him grow into what I know will be a beautiful person.

I can work any day of the week, from 6AM-12PM. Granted I would prefer to be off by 3PM-5Pm. I don't really like working late, it makes me want to sleep all the time and also makes me miss my son. I wonder if moving would solve anything? I doubt it, because then I'd have to have strangers watch my child instead of my mother and cousin.

Waiting Game

Waiting for a pregnancy test to marinate is comparable to waiting for the microwave to beep, or waiting for the phone to ring.

I awoke with a realization that being late meant I could probably take a test, so dressed in my hello kitty sweat pants, a gray camisole, and a jacket I braved the cold and drove to Wal*mart. I ran into the bartender that my cousin and I always sort of bar stalk because he has an ass that even a straight man would check out. Anyhow, I digress.

So then I waited, and waited for it to tell me if I was going to have a child. The test was negative, though that doesn’t really mean anything. It might not have been enough time. I hate this waiting around stuff. It makes me feel so…vulnerable. I should be smarter when it comes to bedroom relations, but for some reason I just don’t seem to think about them.

Anyhow, I got a babysitter and all I have done is nap and blog. I think I am going to watch a movie then go to bed.

Babysitter...what to do?

So I have a babysitter tonight, though I have nothing to do. My cousin watches my child so I can work, and my check came in at $197 and I pay $146 in rent. So how am I supposed to pay her the $100 for the two weeks of watching my son? Well I can't pull blood from turnips and she seems to think I can. I have bills to pay, and other things too. She's acting really selfish about it. Granted I understand she watches my son, so I need to pay her. Though when I had my taxes I offered to pay her in advanced and she said not to. So now that I don't have the money she is like freaking out that I don't have the money to pay her.

Sigh. Anyhow, my mother is watching my son right now and I can't find anything to do. I work at noon tomorrow and have to get my son at eight in the morning. Though, after I finish my homework, there really isn't anything to do. I could probably call N from work and see if he wants to drink with me. Though, I couldn't sleep with him because of T. Not that I want to have sex right now. After the other night with K, and my being late I am off sex right now.

I will update when I am done with my psychology homework.

More Spam!

Sorry for the pictures I was thinking about spamming the internet today then I thought about the canned meat Spam! which is really gross. My brother used to eat it a lot.

I am just in a blogging mood today. I updated my Tumblr like seven times today, that might be exaggerating. Though...I really don't have much to say. It could be that its my second day off and tomorrow I go to work again. I also have to go to court for my no insurance ticket.

Tomorrow is payday. If I worked more it would be a good day, but 10 hours a week aren't really cutting it. I am looking for another job, just a second one. Burger King isn't good enough...for anyone really.

It should be a law that for a year everyone has to work fast food, at least once in their life. The way people treat the people who make their food is just ridiculous.

Cleaning...

I am taking a break from cleaning my house to smoke a cigarette and download my textbook for the next five week course. I was supposed to do this the other day, but the storm made my internet slow. Anyhow, now I have it all, except chapter 8, but when that comes up I will just re-download it.

I am talking to an old friend, like he's known me since my brother was in fourth grade. Which puts me in first. He always says things that open my eyes to a world of differences. Not to change the subject but my hair is so soft. I love it when its like this.

I hate how people look down on others for smoking. It is irritating. I smoke because I like smoking. I am addicted to the motions of it, like if I didn't have nicotine I would be fine. I have proved that smoking other things. Though, I enjoy doing it and have no intentions of quiting.

Sigh, I need to stop writing my son's speech counselor is on her way over. Take care!

In The Barren Land of Icy Winter

So, apparently today is a meat day because Natie and I had pepperoni pizza for breakfast. I am going in to get my nails fixed and then I have to go to court for my no insurance ticket, if I have time. Nate's family counselor appointment is at 2:30. I wish medicaid would hurry up and get the wheels moving so we could get him into speech!

I really enjoy his counselor, she is really nice. I am not embarrassed that my child doesn't speak the way everyone else does. Though a lot of people would think I would be. I don't know, he just doesn't form his words completely. He gets the end parts but the beginning parts he struggles. Its actually rather cute. He often substitutes other letters for "g". So cookies are "gookies." Thought boobies are "doodo" or "dooga".

I have an inspection in my apartment on the 23rd of March. I am not really nervous, but I've been living here since November of 2008 and been through five inspections already. Its a good time though to deep clean my house and move things. Living anywhere for six months to a year often creates clutter and things that used to be important to be pushed to the back. I need to alleviate the clutter.

Just since I woke up the temperature has gone up one degree and the wind is blowing 15mph instead of 24mph. Its so cold! I wish it would snow again because at least then it would feel warmer. Its chilly and dry.

My friend Thom took the picture that I put on here, and neither of us have figured out how to use the macro on my camera again. I even looked in the book. I just need to get to know it more I guess. I think I am rambling, which tells me I need to get up and get ready to go face the cold bitter day. ;)

Eating Changes

So I decided that since my gallbladder was removed I need to eat like one would eat without a gallbladder. Which I haven't done, and gained A TREMENDOUS amount of weight. So, I decided to eat vegetarian 5 days of the week and eat red meat or chicken the other 2.

Today was the first day of that, and I haven't eaten any meat. Nate did though, he had fish sticks for lunch. I ate a veggie burger, and the olive oil tried to catch my kitchen on fire!

I have a feeling it will be hard, though I am doing it for my health. I also need to eliminate the junk food. Just today I ate like a box of cookies and a ton of fruit roll ups. (My tummy sort of hurts!) We have also switched over to almond or soy milk instead of regular milk.

I will most definitely keep posting. Its been a crazy year so far, building self confidence leads me to the bar quite often so I am usually too drunk or hung over to post when I am thinking about it.

New Hair

So its been a week at least since I got my hair cut. I got it done on 2/12. It looks awesome, if I do say so myself. I have a bunch from after.
I have also started spending a lot more time on it.

I started to take pride in my appearance and for me its important that I look good. Being overweight I have to compensate by having nice hair and makeup. Something I let slide a while ago and have recently taken to doing again.

New and Improved

I have been in this rut lately. Basically since the beginning of 2008. I thought that since I was having a baby I had to change who I was. I needed to change, just not all of who I was. I am spending this year trying to remember who I am and be true to myself.

Starting with realizing that I am an individual. I do not need a man in my life to make me happy. My son doesn't deserve that! He needs to know that its alright to be independent. Its alright to be who you are and not care what people think.

The first thing on my list of things to work on is my self-esteem. I am beautiful, though have gained a lot of weight. I feel like, if I make myself eat better I might feel better and just be happy. Sugars and fats slow us down anyway... well no one is going to slow me down now!

I have been living in this shadow of who I was and not being who I am. All of that is going to change this year. I haven't ever felt this determined to do anything before and know that I can be anything I want to be. I'm 22 years old. Just because I have a child doesn't mean I have to act like I'm 40!

First thing's first.... I need new hair. I am getting it cut next week. I feel like I have been growing it out holding onto a dream of what someone wanted me to be. So, by the end of next week I will have new hair. Woot!

I have to go to work now, though I will update later, and definitely will post photos of my hair.