Thought Today

So today was a wonderful day so far, although I slept through the afternoon and I awoke after I couldn't go to court. So I hope that tomorrow I won't get in more trouble when I go to court.

I presented my son with the standard three choices for kool-aid. orange, grape, and cherry. He chose grape, which is what I always chose when I was little. It made me proud. We had spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner, it was delicious. We have been having such a great day!

I have been considering homeschooling my son. Or sending him to public school and waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be homeschooled or not. Though, I guess him going to public school is probably better for him. I want to travel, and I know that there are summers for that, though it seems to be easier in jobs to get time off during winter than in summer.

B and D want to get a house big enough for my son and I to move in with them. Then we can all work on getting another house so we can have two. We'd want them to be close. I know that sounds like a bad idea, though its more practacal. Besides if we were all there together, when they have kids our kids will grow up close as cousins should. Though I am trying to stear them towards where I want to live. Probably not very nice, but I want to move east a little, as much as I love my valley I sort of want plains and open space for a bit to clear my head. That and, my stepdad loves it over there and might get my mom to change her mind about it.

Facebook Challenge: Day 3

Cast of Favorite show: Supernatural

Facebook Challenge: Day 2

My baby sister and me!

Facebook Challenge: Day 1

15 Facts

1. I love being a mommy.

2. I often change my mind, and make hasty decisions.

3. I chain smoke when given the chance.

4. I rarely use my turn indicators.

5. Jack and Coke may very well be the greatest drink ever!

6. I am afraid of numerous things, most of all... I am afraid of losing everyone I love at the same time. Or being alone, I think they tie for number one.

7. I am pagan, and proud of it.

8. I kill plants...not on purpose...it just happens!

9. I never feel I am good enough to do anything new, including activities, jobs, and/or meeting new people.

10. I love taking photos of myself.

11. Nothing is more important to me than knowledge... well perhaps my child.

12. Going back to college is a really difficult task for me.

13. I really should bike more.

14. I am addicted to silly soap operas about other people leading basically normal, yet funny lives.

15. I spend too much time on my makeup and hair on days when it doesn't matter, yet not enough on days when I should.

21 Days......

Apartment inspection on Wednesday. I am not ready, though I am closer to ready than I was last week. I just lack organizational skills unless I do it all in one day and leave the apartment and not come back! (LOL)

I have been making lists and packing for my trip in 22 days. I am so super excited. I never thought I could hold this much excitement and I am more than happy to just bumble about putting my things in boxes and compile lists.

I have been considering moving to where I am going to visit. Or a nearby city, because I need a change and until Nate is in school that's my last chance! I want him to go to the school I did. I am thinking of moving for two years, and then when its time for school we'll move back. I just hope I can get a job where I can afford childcare and rent.

I started writing this when it was 22 days until the trip, as in last night, now its 21 days to the trip. Well, its only been about 10 hours.

I put my son in the bath, and I am getting ready for work. His bath water is green! I love modern bath toys! Anyhow, I should get back to my cup of coffee and BBC news page.

Kids

I really find it amazing how kids 4 and under can play together hitting and stealing each other's toys with a smile. That and the fact that my son told his friend not to push the laser button on buzz lightyear because it annoys me. And I thought he didn't listen. He's probably thinking no one annoys my mother but me! Haha I love it.

St. Patrick's Day

I spent the day with my son, and we had a blast. I bought myself flowers, a bottle of cabernet, and some nice juicy steak. After Nate goes to bed I am making a steak and drinking some wine.

I cleaned my livingroom today, moved furniture and cleaned under it. It looks amazing. I am having such a good day. At first it was boring, and now it is going well.

We went to the mall, and I realized that my son is my best friend. We had a pretzel and an orange julius. He played on the train and had a blast. Then we went to go see my brother and Albertson's. I loved my day. I am having such a good time with my little monkey! He is my favorite person in the whole world.

This Last Week...

I just had to ask my professor to help me understand thing is psychology. I always had someone to help explain things to me and that's why I always was good at it. Though the way the questions are worded makes me confused. I hate having to ask for help because I have always been a fairly intelligent person. This is difficult to even admit on here.

A lot has been going on, I have been struggling to understand what I should be doing in school. Planning my trip to Augusta. I also made the decision to have my sister-in-law watch my son starting Friday.

My grant hasn't come yet, I expect it to be here like Monday. I am hoping because otherwise my account is going to be overdrawn like $150 at least.

I need to get back into eating food that is good for me again. I have been eating like crap lately, and I feel like crap because of it! It's awful. I did something to my knee and it hurts really bad. I don't know what I did, all I know is that its tight to bend and I havne't ever felt anything like that.

My son got to meet his aunt for the first time the other day and it was awesome! I was so happy to see my family together. I got some photos and I am excited to share them.

I also need to clean my house because it has gotten bad again. The other day when I had to brush cookie crumbs off the couch to cuddle my son, I realized I need to pull the vacuum out.

Sisters and Dinner

My older sister is in town, I am really excited because she hasn't ever met my son. She's been out of the state for the last three years. Its sad that she had to come back because B's grandma died but I am excited that she is here! I saw her today and man she is beautiful. I always forget that. When I was younger I used to be so jealous of how beautiful she is.

Tonight we're having a family dinner with my grandma and we call her Bootsie, well I said to my son "We're going to see Grandma Bootsie!" He goes "Doo-see!" That's the closest he's ever got to saying her name. He also just tried to drink my mom's wine! That's what I get for blogging when I'm at my mother's!

I brought my camera so I could get pictures of Grandma and Nate. She's getting old and it might be nice to have some. That sounds rude, but Grandpa died almost two years ago and we only have like four pictures of Nate and him...if that.

My mom is on the phone and its sounding like my grandma isn't coming over. That's sad. I was actually looking forward to seeing her. Oh well, we'll have to see her some other time. I don't know when that will be I don't see her that much at all anymore.

Though better news, Wednesday I am going to be spending the evening with my sister, and the rest of the family. I am excited. I haven't got to just sit down and talk to her in a LONG time! Its funny because she's my father's daughter, but the party is at my mother's house.

Well I guess my grandma is going to be here after all, just not for dinner.

Ugh...

Working 4 hours is so pointless. It annoys me that I don't get more hours. Now that I am actually trying. I might ask A if I can come back to Taco Bell.

Troubles for a Troubled Mind

So, N told me last night that he likes me, but what kind of fag-hag am I if the one my very close friend adores likes me? I don't know how to proceed. I can't sleep with N because I made a promise, and I am sort of off of random sex right now. Though maybe he doesn't like me, but I know he wants to have sex with me. Sigh.....

I also realized that I sort of have been pushing C away because I am afraid to let myself be with someone who is nice because what if I do and I like him and he doesn't like me back? I am afraid of sleeping with him because what if I like him. It is always harder for me to seperate my emotions from sex when the person is nicer to me than the others. So I don't know. It sounds unreasonable though that's what I discovered about myself last night. I am unable to let people in if there is a chance I could fall for them.

Why am I so against happiness? I mean I sort of had a crush on C in middle school, though I never really thought much about if when T told me that C wanted to sleep with me. In fact I didn't even think of it until last night. Though I haven't told T that, I haven't had a chance. I really want to talk to him, but I would feel weird asking him to come over. I text-whored him last night and the night before he was at my house watching movies until three in the morning. I just don't want him to think that I am all clingy and whatnot.

I have so much on my mind that I discovered last night, nothing like drinking in a crowded room and feeling completely alone. My brother was talking with his friends, his wife was flirting with a girl she is in like with. So it was just me and my thoughts. I had a lot of thoughts come to the surface that I hadn't wanted to think about and it changed a lot about me. I didn't want to admit that I am attracted to assholes because they are assholes.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge about the way my mind works. I know I am not the only girl who thinks like that, but I don't want to be one of those. I don't want to be that girl. I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't know how to bring it up to anyone.

California is giving me advice about this whole thing right now. I miss her a lot. She gave me the same advice about the whole N-T thing that I was thinking.

Whew. That was a lot of typing. Anyhow, I have to get back to my homework so I will stop rambling.

Jack and Coke Night

Woohoo! Finally. So today I found out that someone wants me and its someone that someone I really care about wants. Have I confused you yet? Sigh. I don't know how to proceed. So I decided to get drunk! Woot.

I am hanging out with my brother and his wife.

Perkins Run

So I'm at Perkins with my brother and his wife. Nate is with us and the hostess asked how he was he goes "I'm baby!" Then a gentleman was sitting behind us and Nate tried to help him study. I think we were too distracting because he left shortly after we arrived.

I Want Some Jack and Coke

I have been so lonely lately. Ithink its either a lack of activity, or sex withdrawls. (Haha kidding) Though really... I am sort of sad. Next payday I am going to buy a bottle of Jack. Not that I'm an alcoholic, but I have been wanting to drink lately.

R is back on the radar. I don't want him...but I want him. If that makes sense... He's back with his girlfriend and he is there all the time. Though, that's nice because he's not at J's all the time. Though, I want to party with him. I like partying with him. He's fun, unless C or J are there. Though he's back with T... fucking meth teeth. She is really ugly, but she has a nice body. Though he was with C the other night, or so I hear. But T told all this stuff to my friend's mom now she thinks I am really slutty and not a good person. But R and T were not together then, or so he said.

Anyhow, I really want to just get drunk and have fun. Sigh, I need to get a sitter just for a night. I want to find a drinking buddy and go to the Strike. My mom can watch my Nate Saturday, though how am I supposed to find money for drinks. I guess it will have to wait.

Girls...Girls...Girls...

I really think I want a girlfriend. I want someone to hold me, someone soft. I want a girl to kiss. I don't know, I like men, though the thought of a girl's body against mine excites me so much, I can't even put into words how much it excites me. I want a girl with tattoos and piercings. I want a girl who can have a brilliant conversation, though not be condescending.

Anyhow, that's what has been on my mind. I can't thinking of anything else. I keep reblogging things on tumblr that are of beatiful women together, or gay rights. I know that I like men, but women excite me so much.

I don't know, perhaps its because its been so long since I've been with one.

(Photo taken from Tumblr http://mangaka18.tumblr.com/ )

Missing Blanket!!!

So, good news. I am not pregnant. I am in need of a pick me up today. I really need to organize my house. I also need to find my baby blanket. I lost it this morning and I am sort of sad without it.

I am in the mood to make things, but my sewing machine is broken. I might hand mend my Zelda jacket. I am just feeling sort of restless. I need to do something, though I can't really because I don't have money, gas, or any free time. That and its super freaking cold outside.

I am going crazy waiting for summer. That never happens! I'm all about winter... doom and gloom. Though, I want to go hiking... and I want to float the river. I want to pull out my summer stuff and go swimming.

I just dug through my house and I still can't find my blanket. I am really upset about it. Like... I can't sleep without it. It is really immature but I have had it my whole life.

I have been watching a lot of netflix lately. I needed to catch up on my shows. I really like Wizards of Waverly Place. Its probably one of my favorite shows.

I think I am going to go clean my house though, it might help me find my blanket.